Siberian Laundry Service

[magnus]

~ Scene One

“ You killed her?! “

“ Itz juz cave bear, not big dealz. “

“ You killed the star of Jersey Shore!”

“ She vaz in Magnus home. “

“ What are you gonna do about Necra?”

“ Magnus live many placez. Never vaz he caged animalz. Magnus iz meant to be free. Magnus vill be free. “





~ Scene Two


* As narrated by Morgan Freeman *

A mad Russian, with nothing to lose, everything to gain an in the heart of controversy. A non US citizen, living off a work visa in one of the shittiest shit hole states this side of Rhode Island who just killed the most popular star of one of the most popular TV shows in modern American history. He did all of us a favor if you ask me.

So now it’s just Magnus in the Shore House with the rest of the cast. One would think that there would be tempers flaring, fist pumps a flyin and spray tan juice every which way but up. It would be if your name was Justin Beiber or that “ call me maybe chick. “ It’s not though, it’s the Siberian Lion, and what does an indoctrinated Soviet do with four uneducated, mentally defected Americans do? Yup you guessed it. No ticky - no laundry.

Magnus an the sweat shop laundry service.


There’s our favorite Russian, in all his ride and glory , standing on a pedestal over seeing the day to day operations of the Shore House. Pauly, Mike, Vinny and JWOW are hard at work with their faces to the grind stone. The ticking and clattering of suing machines over take your senses. The temperature is nearing the mid nineties, the smell is god awful. Like rotten catfish mixed with really cheap cologne an hair gel. There was another Shore member, Dena- poor Dena. She didn’t make it, dropped like a pigeon tied to a boulder and tossed from the space station, manned by a Russian Cosmonaut. Everything’s been running swimmingly for the past few days as “ Siberian Laundry Service “ as taken flight off the ground. Flashes of the cave bear incident still fresh in their minds made them complacent an weary of speaking up against their tyrant dictator.

A large portrait of Magnus hangs on the wall behind him, looking distinguished and stern, looking down on those to gaze before his greatness, feeling insignificant an inconsequential by comparison. Good thing there is no comparing Magnus to other human beings, let alone Americans or lets say.. Greeks.

One hundred an eight hours straight. Four an a half days. The Shore house works with out sleep or breaks, on the brink of fatal exhaustion. The pussies. In Russia, a toddler could work four an half days and not shed a tear or squeeze out a drop of piss. These Americans had a lot to learn and Magnus will teach him.


The door bell rings? Well shit, who could that be? OSHA? Jahova Witness ? No, can’t be. They’re all locked in the basement. It rings again then again. Each ring twitches the eye of Magnus. It tugs on his ears like a rotten child begging for a toy. Finally the enraged Russian gives in, marching over an answers the door.

Magnus - Vat?!

Man 1 - Are you Magnus Johnson?

Magnus - Vho R you, Yankee ?

Man 2 - Is this the headquaters of “ Siberian Laundry Service?”

Magnus - ‘ Diz iz magnus home. Magnus house matez do Magnus laundry.

JWOW butts in across the room, opening up that wide ass meat ball mouth of hers.

JWOW - he only has one bag, where does it all come from?

Bitch better close her mouth before Morgan Freeman has to open up a can of whoop ass on a poor little white bitch. Magnus snaps his head back and glares at her before laughing at her with a stone face then turns back to the men at the door, continuing to laugh before abruptly stopping. They lightly chuckle to break the tension but then kindly gets the front door to the face. No sooner does Magnus take a step away, is there a nock at the door again. He flings open the door and looks coldy at the two men.

Magnus - Vhich one ov you diez virst?

Man 1 - Magnus, you’ve just been put on notice by G.S.S Laundry an Co. You have three days to comply or you forfeit all rights and wellness to your business.

Magnus - Diz not business, Diz iz life.

Man 2 - So isn’t this. You have three days. You’ve been warned.

Magnus - Vat happens if Magnus no comply?

Man 2 - Then our employer will be very upset. And you don’t want to see our employer very upset.

Magnus - Magnus understand.

They gave Magnus a three day warning. Magnus gave tem no such luxury. The taller of the two men took a moonsault kick to the face, other a hay maker punch that shatterd his jaw. Magnus looks down at them, glaring.

Magnus - You jaw iz veaker then pelvis of cave bear.

Magnus closes the door on the two men, inviting the repercussion of G.S.S laundry an Co. Magnus has focus. Ms. Necra Kane better get that priss nose of out of books of hers and jump that ghetto booty back into reality. The reality that Magnus isn’t going to gimmick his way into his first title win.



~ Scene Three

* Continuing Narration by Morgan Freeman *

In front of the UWA MidSummer Massacre backdrop stands seasoned interviewer Mathew Rogers, lead stick man for UWA.


Mathew Rogers - Good evening UWA! Mathew Rogers here, just minutes before we go live with the first UWA re launch Pay Per View, Mid Summer Massacre. We have an excieting card lined up for you all tonight where we WILL crown the Rush Hour and World Champion, in a cage match no less. Speaking of that, I have with me right now one of the participants of the World title cage match. Magnus, The Siberian Lion! Now we’ve seen Magnus on TV, tearing apart the cast mates of Jersey Shore, both literally or figuratively. Right here, right now, I have with me the man of very few words to try an get his insight on this match and his experiences with UWA.

The camera pans back to reveal Magnus in his ring gear standing next to Mathew Rogers.


Mathew Rogers- Magnus! To say that you’re eccentric is an understatement. You’ve been here not even two weeks yet an we’ve seen you turn The jersey Shore on it’s head, not to mention completely dominate not one but two opponents last week in your match against Zayne West an Eric Green. What we don’t know is Magnus the man, behind the Russian flag. Do you care to tell us about yourself so your fans out there can better get to know you? For instance how did you end up in the Russian Wilderness for most of your life?

Magnus - Magnus gru up N vilderness for motha Russia. Every year, one child iz taken from hiz home in service of his motherland.

Mathew Rogers - but why ?

Magnus - Every Russian iz proud to serve hiz Kountry vit out Kuestion.

Mathew Rogers - Well then how did you gain such a well renowned wrestling skill?

Magnus - Magnus vaz trained by top Soviet Olympic vrestlerz after he Kompleted years of grueling training out in vilderness.


Mathew Rogers - Well certainly its paid off because you’re here main evinting your very first pay per view in your very first wrestling promotion and for the UWA title no less. You must be excited.

Magnus - No.

Mathew Rogers - No? Why not ? Necra is excited. She’s talked a lot about it.

Magnus - Magnus iz not Xceited ‘cuz Magnus New it Vould happen. Vat do you Xpext vhen you put magnus up gainzt guyz liK Vest N Green. Da prowess ov da Siberian Lion is beyond human komprehenzion. Magnus doz vhat needz tu B done an dats it. Not American pridez or Ego. Just Russian superiority. Ms. Kane she Xeited because even though she zayz other vize, she vaz surprised herself dat she von. She needz tu talk an talk, she iz Women. Dats vat she does. She like Yugoslovian chatter-mule. You cant getz her tu shut up. Dey only re-pond tu one ‘ding.

Mathew Rogers - Well she’s had a lot to say about you concerning this match.

Magnus - so didn’t cave bear. You C how ‘dat vorked out, no?

Mathew Rogers - Well if you didn’t catch it, we got a clip right here for you.

A highlight clip of Necra’s promo’s roll for Magnus and for those at home. Tell ya one thing, Morgan freeman is one tired negro in regards to this chick. It’s the same damn thing every single time. Finally, thank his lord Morgan Freeman that the clip ended and there is Magnus laughing with that classic straight face of his.


Mathew Rogers - Well?

Magnus - Vell vhat? Vhat iz hardcore?

Mathew Rogers - means that she can take a chair shot to the head and can go through a flaming table and such. She can take pain.

Magnus - Pain? Did she not zee Magnus bite off own thumb? Or Dat Magnus kill entire Yugoslavian cave bear population ?

Mathew Rogers - Well Magnus, like I said, she can take pain.

Magnus - Magnus hear diz lotz. Nex Vorld champion yet they say no mor vordz. It’z their time to zhine yet they speak like children bookz. Dey can take painz until magnuz snaps der neck.

Mathew Rogers - Well Magnus, it’s a cage. You have to escape the cage to win.

Magnus - Magnus no escape da kage. Kage haz tu escape Magnus. Kage can not escape Magnus. Necra kane kan not escape Magnus.

Mathew Rogers - What about her comments about you not gaining ground in this match? That she won’t let someone like you stand in her way of the UWA title?

Magnus - Magnus no gain ground? ‘Diz Zilly. O course Magus no gain ground. Magnus ownz da ground. Magnuz iz var superior then she iz N diz match. On an on she vent about her sickness. Sickness. She muzt B sick ty tink dat she vill overcome Da Siberian Lion in vrestling match. Out Vrestle Magnus? Impossible. Out vight Magnus? You haz better chance to out vrestle Magnus.

Mathew Rogers - What about her not letting you ruin her chance for the UWA title?

Magnus - Her chanzes runined once she vas put vit Magnus vor da UWA title. Der iz nothingz she kan say to change dat. You step into ring vit magnus, you no valk out. Necra no leave vit da UWA title. Dat magnus belt. Vorld Title for Magnus, vorld title for motha Russia.

Mathew Rogers - well this is your first title match, where as she has had many. You’re lacking experience.

Magnus - Experience iz shown in many forms. One iz but shutting mouth. Iv she had experience then she had no need to mention itz. Shez never had Vorld title match, neither doz magnus. Tonight iz our first. Tonight iz her lazt. Cage iz ment for two things. Vomen an Animals. Necra is both becuze Magnus will beat her like animalz. Take ur piktures kids, capture this example of Russian Sueriority aginst those far tu inferior in realize that greatness of Magnus an Motha Russia.

Tonites iz vhere Motha Russia ressurektz on da shoulders of her favorite zon. Necra doz diz vor herself to make self feel better cuz she iz women. Magnuz does diz for the pride an honor of motha Russia. An dat iz all he needs. Two hands to snap her neck an make her submit to my superior skill, datz all it vill take.


For Motha Russia, Magnus vill claim victory da only vay Soviet knows how. By KA-RUSHING all ’ho stand before him.




~Scene Four



* Continuing Narration by Morgan Freeman *



So this is put up or shut up time, Necra. I hope you got your kiss the cook apron and some bright an warm oven mitts. You’ll need them because you’ll be baking a lot of cake an eating A LOT of crow. If Morgan Free man suggest and trust me, he will suggest - that you stop reading from your little magic books and step away from your fantasies of a happy life with an old flame because that simply is not reality. It’s not reality when you step into that ring with Magnus. That tough chick, Mary Sue routine may work for the movies but this shit right here, right now, this is very real. That’s a real cage, not a cage where your sick and twisted lust of blood an gore will offer any hope. This is a certified mad Russian that your going head to head with. Let that sink in for a moment. Here, here.. Take a moment.

…

…

…

There. How bout now? No? still cant grasp it well f*ck you because Morgan freeman is going to continue. Tonight is your chance at World title greatness. Tonight WAS your chance at World Title greatness, if it were up against anyone else but it’s not. Do you think your daddy issues are going to change that? Is your boyfriend going to change that? Do you have reasons beyond mortal understanding to win a monetary possession? Yah, Morgan Freeman bets you do. Reasons beyond mortal understand, my ass! Don’t lie to Morgan Freeman, just level with him. He’s a nice enough guy, or so I heard.

You Ms. Necra kane are just a women floating through out life with out purpose, hoping for something greater then the life in shit bum Iwoa or where ever the hell it is you’re from because Greece? Yah sure, Greece an I’m Irish. Necra lets just level this right now. You are going up against a wrestling machine. A man bred to wrestle, bred to win for a sense of pride an honor not understood outside his home land. You get back to Morgan Freeman when you figure out how that works.

Until then, enjoy looking like the joke that you are in front of the millions you claim to entertain with your brooding and painful banter. Let Morgan freeman give you a few tips.

Go back to your locker room

Get your little bags and make up kit

Leave the arena and get on a plane

and go far, far away.

Those are good tips but unfortunately theres a few things wrong with it.

1. Magnus will still find you. He will not rest until you’re beyond recognition.

2. Morgan Free will not stop until he gets cake.


So there you have it Ms. Kane. You’re well and screwed and not in that lost in a porno kind of way. More like locked in a steel cage with a crazied man who only knows victory and the costs of obtaining that victory for the pride of his home land in the form of the UWA world title

and Morgan Freeman who will get his cake.

Remember Morgan Freeman likes chocolate cake..chocolate on chocolate.. Mm. mmm. Good.