Post by magnus on Aug 18, 2012 12:52:47 GMT -5
~ Scene One
“ Magnus, how are you holdin’ up? Everything ok?
“ Ev-ry ‘ting iz vine. “
“ How are your room mates? “
“ Lucky to be livingz. “
“ Well that’s good because your opponent is the goddess of the dead. “
“ Magnus - understandz. “
~ Scene Two.
* As Narrated by Morgan Freeman *
In Siberia the dawn comes when it wants to. The further north you go, the less likely you are to see it. Sunshine was a luxury not easily afforded an often times not welcomed. Here in New Jersey it comes every morning, finely tuned like the clocks from St. Petersburg. It slowly crept in, through the cracks in the blinds of Magnus’s room, formally the boys room, now just Magnus’s. What most would consider to be a time to get up and start the day, awaken from pleasant and wonderful dreams, Magnus saw as an a front to his existence.
He laid in bed all night, what he considers night. From the hours of five thirty to five thirty one. While his house mates bar crawl in from another night of desecrating an entire culture of people, Magnus shoots up in his bed and gives the sun light a cold blank, Siberian death stare an it fades away from the window. Not having slept on a real mattress since his early child hood, Magnus stands up in his un-American Soviet glory. Not acclimated to the heat of August, he stands there butt naked with his hands on his hips, staring out into nothing before turning to leave his room.
Magnus’s arrival into the hallway was met with groans an inaudible slurring. Those jersey kids defy logical thinking every time they do this but it was new to Magnus who paid no attention to it as he made his way into the bathroom where JWOW was praying to the porcelain god. Unaware to her, Magnus walked in, still paying no attention. He stepped into the shower and turned the water on as a strange sound over took the house.
JWOW continues to purge as Magnus stands there triumphant in the shower, hands still on his hips as the water cascades over his body. This goes on for a few minutes before the others get annoyed and start to loudly ask questions.
Mike - What the F*ck is that?
Pauly - Is that Magoo? Hey, Magoo, turn that music off!
Vinny - Hey Magoo! Kill it already with the jibberish, its five AM!
Pauly - I think he’s in the shower, bro.
Mike - Hey Magoo, get your pasty white ass out of the shower!
Snookie, with the power of Skank like hearing only hears the words “ ass “ and “shower.” Suddenly she is reinvigorated with the thoughts of hot shower sex after a hard night of drinking. She goes to investigate as the boys rag on her.
Mike - You meatball, go get slammed by the Russian f*ck.
Snookie - Ya jus’ jelous Mike.
Snookie stumbles into the bathroom, almost slipping on the floor as JWOW pulls her out from the toilet.
JWOW - you - BLAHHH…
Oh lord, its all over the walls an in the cracks of the tile. Some gest on Snookies cloths but she just strips down anyway and gets into the shower with Magnus, only to scream in terror and hops back out again, freezing her little south American nips off.
Snookie - F-F-F- F*CKING COLD!
She whips her head back and looks at Magnus as he steps out of the shower.
Snookie - That shit is freezing!
Magnus - Vat iz matterz, cave bear? You no take the heat no morz?
Snookie - Heat? That was freezing!
Magnus - Magnus always takz warm shover like ‘dat.
Snookie - F*ck that shit!
Magnus glares.
Magnus - I don’t like youz cave bear.
Snookie - ya know what, I don’t like you either! None of us like you! And turn off this damn music, it’s giving me a head ache.
Magnus - ‘Tis Russian National Anthem. It playz ev-ry morning in Russia, even in Siberia.
Snookie - Well you’re in America now, buddy.
Magnus - Vhy R you Stil nakedz, cave bear? Go an do ‘dat trick vhere you put on klothz.
Snookie - Vh don’t youz learn to speak freakin English! Russia lost the war ya know.
Magnus - Vhich var?
Snookie hesitates.
Snookie - All of them! Russia sucks, either learn american or go the f*ck back home.
Magnus - ‘datz it, Cave bear! Magnus waz gon let you live. He vound yor tricks amuzing and playful but notz no mor. Ve finish ‘dis! Kom tu da bed-rum. Dis iz naught vor Sasha’s to C.
Magnus takes Snookie by the hand and leads her to his bed room. Say it! I’mma kill there the bear! What one man can do, another can do, SAY IT! Snookie want smoosh, smoosh.. SAY IT! In true reality TV fashion, the hidden cameras take over as they enter the room then go black, leaving you with only audio.
“ I VILL KA-RUSH YOU “
“ KA-RUSH ME.. KA-RUUSHH MMEEE! “
I’d like to tell you that Snookie fought the good fight. Hell, I’d like to tell you a lot of things right now but the simple of it all is that I can’t. Some fish, even the new fish have quickly underestimated an if what Magnus did to Mike “ The Situation” wasn’t a loud enough statement that Magnus wasn’t one to be triffeled with then this sure was.
The others could only listen in horror an bewilderment as the crazy pasty white guy was doing crazy an devious things to their friend, or so the though. What Snookie was going to be a good time, a great way to end a hard night of partying ended up being her last. What started out as a Soviet prostate exam, resulted in a broken neck for Snookie. No, Magnus wasn’t lying when he said he’d do it an he did it.
Death by Smoosh Smoosh or Snoo Snoo, as Magnus called it. Just be glad the cameras had faded into blackness. It wasn’t a pretty scene, watching a drunken young women get viciously mauled by a man who killed an entire bear population with just his hands and a ten inch section of dental floss, mint, not unscented. It’s been twenty years since Magnus killed all those bears, how one escaped was beyond him but now he can live out his days in peace knowing that they’re all gone and never coming back.
Let us have a moment of silence for one Nicole “ Snookie “ Piozzi. For on her tomb stone will for ever read- “ meat ball problems.” Well my dear, your problems are over, thanks to our friend, Siberian Lion.
Russian National Anthem,
I am Morgan Freeman. Deal with it bitches.
~ Scene Three
* Continued Narration by Morgan Freeman. *
Magnus is in a country he did not know or even care about, opportunity knocked and he answered. Ryan Blake contacted Magnus because his networks reach far and wide thanks to his high profile life style. A Russian tactician, in wrestling? Surely you bitches jest. Blake had to get him. He needed him for the relaunch of UWA and it will be epic.
Living a life of extreme hardship by our standards from the age of twelve, Magnus had lived out on his own in the harsh northern Russian tundra’s where the average temperature for the year is seven. That’s right, Morgan Freeman said seven. Now do you see why New Jersey Summer is hot as hell? Makin your sack all stick together, like your forearm to a leather couch. Yes indeed, having wrestled wild beast and surviving artic temperatures Magnus had crawled through the proverbial tunnel of shit and came out clean on the other side. American opportunity was now at his feet, all he had to do was.. Reach down, touch his toes and cough, twice.
Per UWA rules and health standards, all UWA talent has to undergo a physical to make sure that they are fit enough to compete and keep up with the rigors of life on the road. It was there in the office of Dr. Howard where Magnus found out the good news.
Dr Howard - Sorry.. Magnus. I can not clear you to complete.
Magnus stands up, pulling up his pants as Dr. Howard flips through his folder.
Magnus - Vhy not?
Dr. Howard - well one, you don’t have your immunizations, two you’ve never even been to a doctor previous, we have no records that you even exist in here or even in Russia. We don’t know what you have or had, so we don’t know what you’re bringing into the country.
Magnus - Didz you khek under last namez?
Dr. Howard - You have a last name? Well yes, that’ll help considerably. What is it, I’ll check right now.
Magnus - It’Z ah…
Magnus thinks quick for a moment, eyes shifting as his brain tries to come up with a suitable American last name.
Magnus- Yo- Yo -.. YO-hanson.
Dr Howard looks at Magnus with suspicion.
Dr. Howard - Yo- Hanson?
Magnus - Yes. You know, vit the gay.
Dr. Howard - No, can’t say that I do.
Magnus - The gay, the gay.
Magnus is forced to air write the letter “ J “
Dr. Howard - Oh, Jay. Johnson.
Wait a minute, Johnson? The doctor has to think about that one.
Dr. Howard - your name is Magnus Johnson?
Now it’s time for Morgan Freeman to tell you a joke. In Soviet Russia dick jokes YOU. I’d be a comedian but I’m just too damn suave. Just call me Enrico Morgan Sauvé. Well the doctor takes his word for it and goes over to the computer that’s sitting on a desk in the room and searches through the files. Magnus crosses his arms, almost daring the doctor to come up empty handed.
Dr. Howard - Well Magnus, I don’t see anything under your name. What about your doctor?
Magnus - Check under Vood-pekR.
Dr. Howard - What are you dickin with me?
No, unfortunately he is not.
Dr. Howard - Your doctor was a woodpecker ? Like, honest to goodnees, wood pecker?
Magnus - Yez, he vas local vood pecker, gynecologist. He check out lady va-gin.
Dr. Howard - Well that’s a specialist, Magnus. Then again, out there where you lived, you take the help where you can get it.
Dr Howard types in “ Vood Packer. “ into the field labeled “ care taker” but comes up with zero search results. Dr Howard turns around towards Magnus and hangs his head for a moment before looking back up at him.
Dr. Howard - Well Magnus. There’s no record of you ever going to a doctor an since you’re from another country an your only here on a work visa, with out your immunizations, we’ll have to quarantine you. Unless that is, you can afford the payment for the injections. That way we can at least you a running start.
Magnus - Magnus haz no ruble. Magnus can not afford.
Dr. Howard - Then we’ll have to quarantine you.
Magnus - Vat iz ‘diz ?
Dr. Howard - Means we’ll have to stick you in a room for six months. In that time you’ll either die or be ok.
Magnus - ‘Ho much doz it kozt? Magnus vill vin da ruble vhen he KA-RUSH opponentz nezt veek.
Dr. Howard - It cost a few thousand dollars, considering the circumstances an unfortunately you can’t comete next week because you havent been cleared too.
Magnus - But Magnus von last veek.
Dr. Howard - You competed last week? Oh, your employer could face some severe legal ramifications for that.
Magnus - Magnus kall Mista Blake. Mista Blake vill put up ruble.
Dr. Howard - Then I suggest you call him and we can set up an appointment.
Magnus nods as he puts his shirt back on, now knowing what he must do in order to capture the UWA World Championship. He leaves the room as the doctor just shakes his head over the nut job that he just had to tend too, knowing that he’ll be back sooner rather then later.
Well sooner rather then later arrives as Magnus walks back into the same examining room that he was just in, no more then five minutes after he left. He was given the green light by Ryan Blake, money is of little object, assuming Ryan can get his weekly teeth whiting sessions and fu-fu hair appointments. Magnus had no concept of such things, he knew only survival and wrestling was a part of that survival. Magnus walks and looks at the doctor and laughs at him with a straight face. This causes the doctor to laugh with a nervous reaction and get quite timid when Magnus stops laughing.
Dr. Howard - What, are we.. Um.. Laughing at.
Magnus - Gud newz, Magnus no hav tu killz you.
Dr. Howard - So you can afford the shots? That’s good, I’ll get some blood drawn right away. Hold our your arm please.
Doctor Howard moves towards the cabinets and fishes out some good ol’ fashion poking instruments of the finest caliber. A needle, strap, gauze an iodine pad and the good doctor has all that he needs. He turns back and swabs the immediate area and tries to stick Magnus. Low and behold, what do you know, the needle broke as he tried to pierce Magnus’s arm.
Magnus - ‘Dat von’t vork. My aRmz R how you zay, Kevlar.
Dr. Howard - Then how do I draw blood, we’ll have to cut your arm open.
Magnus - Magnus haz better ideaz.
Magnus puts his finger in his mouth and bites down
Dr. Howard - Oh dear lord! I’m gonna have to stitch that back up.
And boom goes the dynamite, bitches. Boom goes the dynamite an off goes the finger. Magnus’s finger starts bleeding profusely as doctor Howard scrambles to catch the blood in a cup to bring to the lab.
Magnus - It’s ‘K. It’ll grow back tomarrowz.
Dr. Howard - I don’t even want to know.
It takes a lot to make a doctor cringe and want to bomb his biscuits all over the floor. This right here, watching another man, sober as a jay bird in may, biting his own finger off like it was a hang nail was almost too much to bear. Quickly doctor Howard seals up the cup and rushes out of the room, holding back the gag sicking on the back of his throat. He leaves Magnus in there for a whole, a real long while but Magnus just stood there with that same old blank stare, as if he’s going to win a staring contest against a brick wall.
The Doctor walks back in as Magnus’s gaze floats over towards him. Looking back up from his charts, it can’t possibly good news.
Dr. Howard - I’m sorry, Magnus. I can’t clear you to compete. Your blood test has shown positive.
Magnus - Positive iz gud, yez?
Dr. Howard- No, that’s bad. You’ve tested positive for GHB, testosterone, a host of things that have yet to be identified an the apparent cure for herpes. Have you ever taken steroids Magnus?
Magnus - Magnus no take steroids. Only what Motha Russia has provided him.
Dr. Howard - Right well, as of now, I can’t clear you. You gotta be clean. In fact, we have to quarantine you.
Magnus - You put Magnus in cage? Magnus Vill be in cage next veek against goddess ov da ded.
Dr.Howard - I’m Sorry.
Magnus - Magnus tu.
~ Scene Four
* Continuing narration by Morgan Freeman *
Magnus is not a man who will be held back by something such as doctors orders. He may not be medically cleared to compete but his mind, body and soul is. Two weeks in America and he is competing for the Biggest prize in UWA. Cage match, normal match, a tight rope scaffold match. The stipulation does matter to Magnus. It has no bearing on Magnus’s train of thought. He has one though. Victory. He has another thought. Pride. Pride for mother Russia. For Magnus this is about coming clear across the world and doing what he’s done from years. From woodland survival to Olympic wrestling- all the way to Midsummer Massacre. Magnus has been through a lot and this is where it culminates. Ms. Kane may call upon her minions and servants, hide behind darkness and tricks. Well that’s just fine an dandy. Fine an dandy like a tall glass of sweat tea on a hot summer night.
But miss Kane, this is not a hot summer night. This might be Midsummer massacre but inside that cage, as you’ll soon find out. It’s bone chillingly cold. Frost bite in the third degree, So cold it could freeze a polar bears nips off in the blink of an eye. That’s the fact of the matter Ms. Kane. In that ring, in that cage, you’re going against a man, not cleared to compete, not part of this country and he has nothing to lose. You? Well I suppose you can tell us that you have about as much to lose as a quadruple amputee in a wood chipper but we all know that you’ll just be lying to not only the fans but to yourself.
Why wasn’t it last week when you told Eric price that you had no problem killing him, that your minions had no problem killing him? It was last week, if I remember correctly,, which I do. Want to know why? Because I’m Morgan freeman bitch! You wish you had me narrate your life in knee slapping comedic fashion. Tell us though how you can come off so hard and powerful in one breath, so much so as to claim that you could take a mans life but then folly into the pit falls of love and loss.
Do you know what you are Ms. Kane? A fraud. Yah, Morgan Freeman just called you a fraud. What chu gonna do about that? Shit, I bet you’re just gonna brood in your holly wood special effects castle and whine about.
See this… this is the words smallest violin, playing especially for you. Courtesy of The Siberian Lion. It’s a sweet and soothing song. Get used to hearing it being played because you’ll be hearing it a lot. Each an every time you step into the ring with my Soviet friend. Take a good look at it to because this is your first time and your last time that not only will you be stepping in the ring with him but the last time you’ll be competing for a chance to capture that UWA World title.
Do you know what you lack? Aside from everything? Everything. You may have one of the greatest records in the entire world but records ms. Kane, records were made to be broken. KA-RUSHED if you will. This coming week, in that cage you might do it for the title or for the recognition or for the fact that you could never truly get it done in the ring, even with all your hocus pocus bullshit powers. I was god, bitch, who are you trying to fool? So as you sit there brooding in your castle milling over weather or not twilight was an accurate portrayal of who it is you are but what you are is nothing.
Insignificant.
That’s what you really are.
Wednesday night, that’ll be exposed an you’ll have no where to go and no place to hide your shame and you shall bow down to the Russian Superiority of The Siberian Lion in the shame an undeniable truth of a steel cage. The world will witness your unraveling my dear girl. When you lose in the second match of your UWA career, so much for that record. So much for that streak, those hopes and dreams. That ability to sit an say that you are feared or should be feared.
It’ll all be thrown to the winds by The Siberian lion and for what?The UWA World Championship. Bowing is not a skilled well taken by people like you, so go practice in the mirror, or bend down and bake a cake or something.
Ya, cake sounds good.
Morgan Freeman likes chocolate
chocolate is delicious..
But not as delicious as Magnus defeating you in the eyes of the world.
And the eyes of his home land.
For motha Russia..
And Morgan Freeman because he wants cake.
“ Magnus, how are you holdin’ up? Everything ok?
“ Ev-ry ‘ting iz vine. “
“ How are your room mates? “
“ Lucky to be livingz. “
“ Well that’s good because your opponent is the goddess of the dead. “
“ Magnus - understandz. “
~ Scene Two.
* As Narrated by Morgan Freeman *
In Siberia the dawn comes when it wants to. The further north you go, the less likely you are to see it. Sunshine was a luxury not easily afforded an often times not welcomed. Here in New Jersey it comes every morning, finely tuned like the clocks from St. Petersburg. It slowly crept in, through the cracks in the blinds of Magnus’s room, formally the boys room, now just Magnus’s. What most would consider to be a time to get up and start the day, awaken from pleasant and wonderful dreams, Magnus saw as an a front to his existence.
He laid in bed all night, what he considers night. From the hours of five thirty to five thirty one. While his house mates bar crawl in from another night of desecrating an entire culture of people, Magnus shoots up in his bed and gives the sun light a cold blank, Siberian death stare an it fades away from the window. Not having slept on a real mattress since his early child hood, Magnus stands up in his un-American Soviet glory. Not acclimated to the heat of August, he stands there butt naked with his hands on his hips, staring out into nothing before turning to leave his room.
Magnus’s arrival into the hallway was met with groans an inaudible slurring. Those jersey kids defy logical thinking every time they do this but it was new to Magnus who paid no attention to it as he made his way into the bathroom where JWOW was praying to the porcelain god. Unaware to her, Magnus walked in, still paying no attention. He stepped into the shower and turned the water on as a strange sound over took the house.
JWOW continues to purge as Magnus stands there triumphant in the shower, hands still on his hips as the water cascades over his body. This goes on for a few minutes before the others get annoyed and start to loudly ask questions.
Mike - What the F*ck is that?
Pauly - Is that Magoo? Hey, Magoo, turn that music off!
Vinny - Hey Magoo! Kill it already with the jibberish, its five AM!
Pauly - I think he’s in the shower, bro.
Mike - Hey Magoo, get your pasty white ass out of the shower!
Snookie, with the power of Skank like hearing only hears the words “ ass “ and “shower.” Suddenly she is reinvigorated with the thoughts of hot shower sex after a hard night of drinking. She goes to investigate as the boys rag on her.
Mike - You meatball, go get slammed by the Russian f*ck.
Snookie - Ya jus’ jelous Mike.
Snookie stumbles into the bathroom, almost slipping on the floor as JWOW pulls her out from the toilet.
JWOW - you - BLAHHH…
Oh lord, its all over the walls an in the cracks of the tile. Some gest on Snookies cloths but she just strips down anyway and gets into the shower with Magnus, only to scream in terror and hops back out again, freezing her little south American nips off.
Snookie - F-F-F- F*CKING COLD!
She whips her head back and looks at Magnus as he steps out of the shower.
Snookie - That shit is freezing!
Magnus - Vat iz matterz, cave bear? You no take the heat no morz?
Snookie - Heat? That was freezing!
Magnus - Magnus always takz warm shover like ‘dat.
Snookie - F*ck that shit!
Magnus glares.
Magnus - I don’t like youz cave bear.
Snookie - ya know what, I don’t like you either! None of us like you! And turn off this damn music, it’s giving me a head ache.
Magnus - ‘Tis Russian National Anthem. It playz ev-ry morning in Russia, even in Siberia.
Snookie - Well you’re in America now, buddy.
Magnus - Vhy R you Stil nakedz, cave bear? Go an do ‘dat trick vhere you put on klothz.
Snookie - Vh don’t youz learn to speak freakin English! Russia lost the war ya know.
Magnus - Vhich var?
Snookie hesitates.
Snookie - All of them! Russia sucks, either learn american or go the f*ck back home.
Magnus - ‘datz it, Cave bear! Magnus waz gon let you live. He vound yor tricks amuzing and playful but notz no mor. Ve finish ‘dis! Kom tu da bed-rum. Dis iz naught vor Sasha’s to C.
Magnus takes Snookie by the hand and leads her to his bed room. Say it! I’mma kill there the bear! What one man can do, another can do, SAY IT! Snookie want smoosh, smoosh.. SAY IT! In true reality TV fashion, the hidden cameras take over as they enter the room then go black, leaving you with only audio.
“ I VILL KA-RUSH YOU “
“ KA-RUSH ME.. KA-RUUSHH MMEEE! “
I’d like to tell you that Snookie fought the good fight. Hell, I’d like to tell you a lot of things right now but the simple of it all is that I can’t. Some fish, even the new fish have quickly underestimated an if what Magnus did to Mike “ The Situation” wasn’t a loud enough statement that Magnus wasn’t one to be triffeled with then this sure was.
The others could only listen in horror an bewilderment as the crazy pasty white guy was doing crazy an devious things to their friend, or so the though. What Snookie was going to be a good time, a great way to end a hard night of partying ended up being her last. What started out as a Soviet prostate exam, resulted in a broken neck for Snookie. No, Magnus wasn’t lying when he said he’d do it an he did it.
Death by Smoosh Smoosh or Snoo Snoo, as Magnus called it. Just be glad the cameras had faded into blackness. It wasn’t a pretty scene, watching a drunken young women get viciously mauled by a man who killed an entire bear population with just his hands and a ten inch section of dental floss, mint, not unscented. It’s been twenty years since Magnus killed all those bears, how one escaped was beyond him but now he can live out his days in peace knowing that they’re all gone and never coming back.
Let us have a moment of silence for one Nicole “ Snookie “ Piozzi. For on her tomb stone will for ever read- “ meat ball problems.” Well my dear, your problems are over, thanks to our friend, Siberian Lion.
Russian National Anthem,
I am Morgan Freeman. Deal with it bitches.
~ Scene Three
* Continued Narration by Morgan Freeman. *
Magnus is in a country he did not know or even care about, opportunity knocked and he answered. Ryan Blake contacted Magnus because his networks reach far and wide thanks to his high profile life style. A Russian tactician, in wrestling? Surely you bitches jest. Blake had to get him. He needed him for the relaunch of UWA and it will be epic.
Living a life of extreme hardship by our standards from the age of twelve, Magnus had lived out on his own in the harsh northern Russian tundra’s where the average temperature for the year is seven. That’s right, Morgan Freeman said seven. Now do you see why New Jersey Summer is hot as hell? Makin your sack all stick together, like your forearm to a leather couch. Yes indeed, having wrestled wild beast and surviving artic temperatures Magnus had crawled through the proverbial tunnel of shit and came out clean on the other side. American opportunity was now at his feet, all he had to do was.. Reach down, touch his toes and cough, twice.
Per UWA rules and health standards, all UWA talent has to undergo a physical to make sure that they are fit enough to compete and keep up with the rigors of life on the road. It was there in the office of Dr. Howard where Magnus found out the good news.
Dr Howard - Sorry.. Magnus. I can not clear you to complete.
Magnus stands up, pulling up his pants as Dr. Howard flips through his folder.
Magnus - Vhy not?
Dr. Howard - well one, you don’t have your immunizations, two you’ve never even been to a doctor previous, we have no records that you even exist in here or even in Russia. We don’t know what you have or had, so we don’t know what you’re bringing into the country.
Magnus - Didz you khek under last namez?
Dr. Howard - You have a last name? Well yes, that’ll help considerably. What is it, I’ll check right now.
Magnus - It’Z ah…
Magnus thinks quick for a moment, eyes shifting as his brain tries to come up with a suitable American last name.
Magnus- Yo- Yo -.. YO-hanson.
Dr Howard looks at Magnus with suspicion.
Dr. Howard - Yo- Hanson?
Magnus - Yes. You know, vit the gay.
Dr. Howard - No, can’t say that I do.
Magnus - The gay, the gay.
Magnus is forced to air write the letter “ J “
Dr. Howard - Oh, Jay. Johnson.
Wait a minute, Johnson? The doctor has to think about that one.
Dr. Howard - your name is Magnus Johnson?
Now it’s time for Morgan Freeman to tell you a joke. In Soviet Russia dick jokes YOU. I’d be a comedian but I’m just too damn suave. Just call me Enrico Morgan Sauvé. Well the doctor takes his word for it and goes over to the computer that’s sitting on a desk in the room and searches through the files. Magnus crosses his arms, almost daring the doctor to come up empty handed.
Dr. Howard - Well Magnus, I don’t see anything under your name. What about your doctor?
Magnus - Check under Vood-pekR.
Dr. Howard - What are you dickin with me?
No, unfortunately he is not.
Dr. Howard - Your doctor was a woodpecker ? Like, honest to goodnees, wood pecker?
Magnus - Yez, he vas local vood pecker, gynecologist. He check out lady va-gin.
Dr. Howard - Well that’s a specialist, Magnus. Then again, out there where you lived, you take the help where you can get it.
Dr Howard types in “ Vood Packer. “ into the field labeled “ care taker” but comes up with zero search results. Dr Howard turns around towards Magnus and hangs his head for a moment before looking back up at him.
Dr. Howard - Well Magnus. There’s no record of you ever going to a doctor an since you’re from another country an your only here on a work visa, with out your immunizations, we’ll have to quarantine you. Unless that is, you can afford the payment for the injections. That way we can at least you a running start.
Magnus - Magnus haz no ruble. Magnus can not afford.
Dr. Howard - Then we’ll have to quarantine you.
Magnus - Vat iz ‘diz ?
Dr. Howard - Means we’ll have to stick you in a room for six months. In that time you’ll either die or be ok.
Magnus - ‘Ho much doz it kozt? Magnus vill vin da ruble vhen he KA-RUSH opponentz nezt veek.
Dr. Howard - It cost a few thousand dollars, considering the circumstances an unfortunately you can’t comete next week because you havent been cleared too.
Magnus - But Magnus von last veek.
Dr. Howard - You competed last week? Oh, your employer could face some severe legal ramifications for that.
Magnus - Magnus kall Mista Blake. Mista Blake vill put up ruble.
Dr. Howard - Then I suggest you call him and we can set up an appointment.
Magnus nods as he puts his shirt back on, now knowing what he must do in order to capture the UWA World Championship. He leaves the room as the doctor just shakes his head over the nut job that he just had to tend too, knowing that he’ll be back sooner rather then later.
Well sooner rather then later arrives as Magnus walks back into the same examining room that he was just in, no more then five minutes after he left. He was given the green light by Ryan Blake, money is of little object, assuming Ryan can get his weekly teeth whiting sessions and fu-fu hair appointments. Magnus had no concept of such things, he knew only survival and wrestling was a part of that survival. Magnus walks and looks at the doctor and laughs at him with a straight face. This causes the doctor to laugh with a nervous reaction and get quite timid when Magnus stops laughing.
Dr. Howard - What, are we.. Um.. Laughing at.
Magnus - Gud newz, Magnus no hav tu killz you.
Dr. Howard - So you can afford the shots? That’s good, I’ll get some blood drawn right away. Hold our your arm please.
Doctor Howard moves towards the cabinets and fishes out some good ol’ fashion poking instruments of the finest caliber. A needle, strap, gauze an iodine pad and the good doctor has all that he needs. He turns back and swabs the immediate area and tries to stick Magnus. Low and behold, what do you know, the needle broke as he tried to pierce Magnus’s arm.
Magnus - ‘Dat von’t vork. My aRmz R how you zay, Kevlar.
Dr. Howard - Then how do I draw blood, we’ll have to cut your arm open.
Magnus - Magnus haz better ideaz.
Magnus puts his finger in his mouth and bites down
Dr. Howard - Oh dear lord! I’m gonna have to stitch that back up.
And boom goes the dynamite, bitches. Boom goes the dynamite an off goes the finger. Magnus’s finger starts bleeding profusely as doctor Howard scrambles to catch the blood in a cup to bring to the lab.
Magnus - It’s ‘K. It’ll grow back tomarrowz.
Dr. Howard - I don’t even want to know.
It takes a lot to make a doctor cringe and want to bomb his biscuits all over the floor. This right here, watching another man, sober as a jay bird in may, biting his own finger off like it was a hang nail was almost too much to bear. Quickly doctor Howard seals up the cup and rushes out of the room, holding back the gag sicking on the back of his throat. He leaves Magnus in there for a whole, a real long while but Magnus just stood there with that same old blank stare, as if he’s going to win a staring contest against a brick wall.
The Doctor walks back in as Magnus’s gaze floats over towards him. Looking back up from his charts, it can’t possibly good news.
Dr. Howard - I’m sorry, Magnus. I can’t clear you to compete. Your blood test has shown positive.
Magnus - Positive iz gud, yez?
Dr. Howard- No, that’s bad. You’ve tested positive for GHB, testosterone, a host of things that have yet to be identified an the apparent cure for herpes. Have you ever taken steroids Magnus?
Magnus - Magnus no take steroids. Only what Motha Russia has provided him.
Dr. Howard - Right well, as of now, I can’t clear you. You gotta be clean. In fact, we have to quarantine you.
Magnus - You put Magnus in cage? Magnus Vill be in cage next veek against goddess ov da ded.
Dr.Howard - I’m Sorry.
Magnus - Magnus tu.
~ Scene Four
* Continuing narration by Morgan Freeman *
Magnus is not a man who will be held back by something such as doctors orders. He may not be medically cleared to compete but his mind, body and soul is. Two weeks in America and he is competing for the Biggest prize in UWA. Cage match, normal match, a tight rope scaffold match. The stipulation does matter to Magnus. It has no bearing on Magnus’s train of thought. He has one though. Victory. He has another thought. Pride. Pride for mother Russia. For Magnus this is about coming clear across the world and doing what he’s done from years. From woodland survival to Olympic wrestling- all the way to Midsummer Massacre. Magnus has been through a lot and this is where it culminates. Ms. Kane may call upon her minions and servants, hide behind darkness and tricks. Well that’s just fine an dandy. Fine an dandy like a tall glass of sweat tea on a hot summer night.
But miss Kane, this is not a hot summer night. This might be Midsummer massacre but inside that cage, as you’ll soon find out. It’s bone chillingly cold. Frost bite in the third degree, So cold it could freeze a polar bears nips off in the blink of an eye. That’s the fact of the matter Ms. Kane. In that ring, in that cage, you’re going against a man, not cleared to compete, not part of this country and he has nothing to lose. You? Well I suppose you can tell us that you have about as much to lose as a quadruple amputee in a wood chipper but we all know that you’ll just be lying to not only the fans but to yourself.
Why wasn’t it last week when you told Eric price that you had no problem killing him, that your minions had no problem killing him? It was last week, if I remember correctly,, which I do. Want to know why? Because I’m Morgan freeman bitch! You wish you had me narrate your life in knee slapping comedic fashion. Tell us though how you can come off so hard and powerful in one breath, so much so as to claim that you could take a mans life but then folly into the pit falls of love and loss.
Do you know what you are Ms. Kane? A fraud. Yah, Morgan Freeman just called you a fraud. What chu gonna do about that? Shit, I bet you’re just gonna brood in your holly wood special effects castle and whine about.
See this… this is the words smallest violin, playing especially for you. Courtesy of The Siberian Lion. It’s a sweet and soothing song. Get used to hearing it being played because you’ll be hearing it a lot. Each an every time you step into the ring with my Soviet friend. Take a good look at it to because this is your first time and your last time that not only will you be stepping in the ring with him but the last time you’ll be competing for a chance to capture that UWA World title.
Do you know what you lack? Aside from everything? Everything. You may have one of the greatest records in the entire world but records ms. Kane, records were made to be broken. KA-RUSHED if you will. This coming week, in that cage you might do it for the title or for the recognition or for the fact that you could never truly get it done in the ring, even with all your hocus pocus bullshit powers. I was god, bitch, who are you trying to fool? So as you sit there brooding in your castle milling over weather or not twilight was an accurate portrayal of who it is you are but what you are is nothing.
Insignificant.
That’s what you really are.
Wednesday night, that’ll be exposed an you’ll have no where to go and no place to hide your shame and you shall bow down to the Russian Superiority of The Siberian Lion in the shame an undeniable truth of a steel cage. The world will witness your unraveling my dear girl. When you lose in the second match of your UWA career, so much for that record. So much for that streak, those hopes and dreams. That ability to sit an say that you are feared or should be feared.
It’ll all be thrown to the winds by The Siberian lion and for what?The UWA World Championship. Bowing is not a skilled well taken by people like you, so go practice in the mirror, or bend down and bake a cake or something.
Ya, cake sounds good.
Morgan Freeman likes chocolate
chocolate is delicious..
But not as delicious as Magnus defeating you in the eyes of the world.
And the eyes of his home land.
For motha Russia..
And Morgan Freeman because he wants cake.
