Mystery Man!

[Classy J]

The lights go out...the crowd goes nuts, and when the lights go on the hooded man appears. And by hooded I mean he

wore a generic mystery mask that covered his entire head and could be pulled off easily over his face. But he

didn't take it off...nope, instead he had big fucking index cards that he would use...tons of them, some were on

the ground. He would begin to pace around, holding up the cue cards to form sentences.

"Hello there, I'd love to have a microphone to talk because I hate writing my stuff out."

"But I've seen people use voice distorters before and it sounds stupid so here we are, using cue cards."

"Just so we're clear, I'm the same masked guy who beat up Fear. I probably should have jumped in before the match

ended...."

"But I didn't wanna ruin that guys match. He's not even from UWA."

"Why did I attack Fear? Well, got attack someone right?"

"Fear's the most 'intimidating' and I use that term loosely..but who knows?"

"I could always just attack someone else, a lot of these guys with their bland-ass 90s sounding promos"

"Trying too hard to be edgy, I'd say there's a place for that but Jeff's a stoner and Matt's psychotic"

There'd be a combination of cheers and boo's from that remark.

And knowing this the masked man held up a sign.

"Notice all the boo's come from fat juggalos."

The cheering and the booing got louder.

"I want to make a change for this company, Roy Speede's gone."

"No longer do we have to hear Charlie Scene ask if we can hear him now, and thank god we don't."

"Odin's gone, which is too bad because he'd have been the guy to jump."

"That Machine Gunn guy hasn't been seen...I'd have probably jumped him over Odin or Fear."

"Solely because he's exactly what I'm talking about when I say phony trying too hard OMEGA rejects."

"Fear on the other hand is a guy who's ripping off two guys greater than himself."

"Ron Killings and Jeff Hardy."

He'd probably get a few laughs for people who watched other promotions but it was a pretty vague joke.

"Runs around in face paint pretending to be schizophrenic."

"Now I'm sure I have no room to talk, I'm ripping off everyone who ever wore a mask."

"But unlike most of those guys who make a point in trying to act mysterious"

"I'm not changing how I act."

"And that's my problem with Fear, is that he takes himself waaaaaaa..."

"...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too seriously."

"With his goofy little videos where he's talking to voices...."

"Which someone else already does I might add."

"Look I could go on and on about the guy but then I'd just be rambling like he does."

"And I'm out of giant index cards anyways..he's supposed to call me out."

"We'll see what happens then."

And with that he tosses all the giant index cards into the air and heads backstage to a crowd that's both cheering and booing.