Post by jake on Jan 26, 2012 3:28:38 GMT -5
Jake Eaton is sitting on a black leather couch, the flashing light of a TV before him. The camera angles from behind to show his head down to his shoulders, and shows the screen. Jake Eaton is watching the cartoon ‘Regular Show’. Beside him, the blonde hair of another person is present. Not nearly as much of her is visible, partially because she’s several inches shorter, and partially because Jake’s arm is around her at shoulder level, making only part the back of her head visible, and even so only part of that can be seen because of the dim lighting, the only sources of which being the television and a light in the background. The camera slowly pans around the two to where it’s facing them, and as it comes to a stop Jake starts to speak.
Jake Eaton: “One week was all it took, and I made my mark on this company more significantly than anybody else since the time the place first opened. I made my presence known by not only defeating Andy Star, as I so simply promised to do before fulfilling my promise, but by attacking and physically dissecting Samuel Silas in the very same night. Excuse the free press for Geico, but it was so easy a caveman could do it, and it has made me, just as I promised, the biggest name in the United Wrestling Alliance today; I’m trending faster than “all you can eat” on a search engine for fat people, and I have only just begun to display the true talent UWA’s hottest commodity possesses. And to top that off, I not only have the talent that most other wrestlers can only dream of, but I have what all straight guys envy; I have a girlfriend who is simply perfect.
Before I go any further, I’m going to introduce her to everyone watching around the world, for if no other reason than the fact that she loves the camera as much as it loves her, and it’s all I need to do to show everyone else I’m better than them simply by showing the face of my girlfriend on camera. Not to say that she doesn’t have some other ‘assets’ that might be even more effective at doing so, but she’s not some kind of prostitute who’ll give it up for everyone with a picture of Andrew Jackson they’re willing to part ways with. Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, you are witnessing the on-screen debut of none other than my girlfriend, Lindsey Ferncliff.”
Lindsey Ferncliff: “That’s right, girls. Might as well find someone else, because you just lost your shot. Jake is my man, and there aren’t going to be any sluts stealing him from me anytime soon. Wanna challenge that prognosis? Go for it. It’s the truth. Right, Jake?”
Jake Eaton: “Absolutely. I’ve got higher moral values than all of these lying, cheating men that so proudly call themselves wrestlers when they are nothing more than hopeless sacks of perverted meat that throw themselves between the ropes to fall at my feet and beg for mercy. Unlike those who fornicate themselves or find others who share their fetish for random strangers, I believe in the faithfulness and purity of a monogamous relationship, and that alone makes me better than others; but that being said, look just how great Lindsey is, and how great I am. We’re made for one another.”
She nods.
Lindsey Ferncliff: “Yep.”
Jake Eaton: “Why would I need to even think about cheating? I’ve got all I could ever want in a relationship right here, and I’ve got as much as any trainer could teach any of these sorry morons when it comes to wrestling ability. Unlike the likes of Manabu Fuck-a-Sumo, Samuel Silas, Classy J Callahan, Natalia Knight, and many other wrestlers in the UWA, I don’t have to cheat or abuse illegal or immoral tactics to win; I win fair and square, and when I slide out of that ring, I know that I’ll have waiting for me the arms of the only eleven out of ten to ever set foot on the planet.”
Lindsey giggles, and then leans over and kisses his cheek. He smiles as he glances back over at her a moment before continuing, his attention turning back toward the camera.
Jake Eaton: “But my number one focus right now, sadly, can’t be Lindsey. I’ve got a triple threat match to deal with, and that means that I’ve got not one but two opponents. Not that I should be worried, considering I dismantled two people last week without any trouble; I suppose fighting two people at once just saves time. What I’m saying, however, is that I haven’t even delivered even a hint at what I can do to the reigning champion, whether my other opponent has been the focus of my attack to this point or not. As if it actually matters since it’s nontitle, I suppose I’ll just go ahead and win it because I can, and because it’d show whoever the heck is running the company that I deserve to be in a match to fight for the World Championship. Just because I’m new here doesn’t mean I’m not more deserving than anyone else, that much is clear, and when I pin one of these fools for a three-count this week, it’ll be far more obvious.
Think of it this way. One of my opponents was the same man I dissected and pulled apart in a matter of, say, two minutes at the so-called conclusion of the iNew Year Main Event. For one, it’s an ironman match, and I wasn’t aware those could end due to interference, and second, whatever happened to growing some balls and fighting back? Samuel Silas is a walking joke. How he got to be the number one contender is far beyond me, because, simply put, he doesn’t even deserve a spot on the roster if that’s all the opposition he can muster when he’s in the presence of greatness incarnate. I can say without a doubt in my mind that when he steps into the ring against me, he is going to end up on his back faster than Tiger Woods’ mistresses.
Then, my other opponent is none other than the UWA World Champion, Manabu Funkysushi. Now, I’m not saying that he’s any better than Samuel Silas, that he would have retained that precious gold without my interference, or anything of the sort, but what I’m more than certain of is that he’s a lot wiser than Samuel Silas. He actually figured to get out of the way when I hit the ring. But of course, he can’t do that when he’s my opponent or my hand will be getting raised in victory and my name will be getting announced as his opponent for the next pay-per-view, as if that isn’t the inevitable truth as to the way things will happen, and when everything else collapses in on the World Champ, it’ll be my hand being raised in victory.
Now, there’s no doubt in my mind that Silas and Fruity-Smoothie will be hunting down something to say about me in rebuttal to my comments about them, but you know something? Their words mean absolutely nothing because they’re full of false claims that cannot be backed up by their incredibly lacking talent and when this match is over, all their confident claims about winning the match and becoming victor because of their historical success will be proven false. Let the past be past, boys, learn that the here and now is what’s significant, and the only thing even close in importance to it is the future, and without a doubt mine looks bright with Lindsey in my arms. So here it is, Manabu; open shot at me, Silas, come at me, bro’s. Say whatever you want to say about me, because in the end, you know the truth?”
The camera spins around to its original position behind Jake and Lindsey, showing the television again.
Jake Eaton: “I don’t give a fuck what you boys say. The only one that matters to me is Lindsey, and the only reality that exists, is that while you two boys fail, I’ll be... WINNING!”
Jake turns and kisses Lindsey, and the scene fades to black before things can heat up.
Jake Eaton: “One week was all it took, and I made my mark on this company more significantly than anybody else since the time the place first opened. I made my presence known by not only defeating Andy Star, as I so simply promised to do before fulfilling my promise, but by attacking and physically dissecting Samuel Silas in the very same night. Excuse the free press for Geico, but it was so easy a caveman could do it, and it has made me, just as I promised, the biggest name in the United Wrestling Alliance today; I’m trending faster than “all you can eat” on a search engine for fat people, and I have only just begun to display the true talent UWA’s hottest commodity possesses. And to top that off, I not only have the talent that most other wrestlers can only dream of, but I have what all straight guys envy; I have a girlfriend who is simply perfect.
Before I go any further, I’m going to introduce her to everyone watching around the world, for if no other reason than the fact that she loves the camera as much as it loves her, and it’s all I need to do to show everyone else I’m better than them simply by showing the face of my girlfriend on camera. Not to say that she doesn’t have some other ‘assets’ that might be even more effective at doing so, but she’s not some kind of prostitute who’ll give it up for everyone with a picture of Andrew Jackson they’re willing to part ways with. Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, you are witnessing the on-screen debut of none other than my girlfriend, Lindsey Ferncliff.”
Lindsey Ferncliff: “That’s right, girls. Might as well find someone else, because you just lost your shot. Jake is my man, and there aren’t going to be any sluts stealing him from me anytime soon. Wanna challenge that prognosis? Go for it. It’s the truth. Right, Jake?”
Jake Eaton: “Absolutely. I’ve got higher moral values than all of these lying, cheating men that so proudly call themselves wrestlers when they are nothing more than hopeless sacks of perverted meat that throw themselves between the ropes to fall at my feet and beg for mercy. Unlike those who fornicate themselves or find others who share their fetish for random strangers, I believe in the faithfulness and purity of a monogamous relationship, and that alone makes me better than others; but that being said, look just how great Lindsey is, and how great I am. We’re made for one another.”
She nods.
Lindsey Ferncliff: “Yep.”
Jake Eaton: “Why would I need to even think about cheating? I’ve got all I could ever want in a relationship right here, and I’ve got as much as any trainer could teach any of these sorry morons when it comes to wrestling ability. Unlike the likes of Manabu Fuck-a-Sumo, Samuel Silas, Classy J Callahan, Natalia Knight, and many other wrestlers in the UWA, I don’t have to cheat or abuse illegal or immoral tactics to win; I win fair and square, and when I slide out of that ring, I know that I’ll have waiting for me the arms of the only eleven out of ten to ever set foot on the planet.”
Lindsey giggles, and then leans over and kisses his cheek. He smiles as he glances back over at her a moment before continuing, his attention turning back toward the camera.
Jake Eaton: “But my number one focus right now, sadly, can’t be Lindsey. I’ve got a triple threat match to deal with, and that means that I’ve got not one but two opponents. Not that I should be worried, considering I dismantled two people last week without any trouble; I suppose fighting two people at once just saves time. What I’m saying, however, is that I haven’t even delivered even a hint at what I can do to the reigning champion, whether my other opponent has been the focus of my attack to this point or not. As if it actually matters since it’s nontitle, I suppose I’ll just go ahead and win it because I can, and because it’d show whoever the heck is running the company that I deserve to be in a match to fight for the World Championship. Just because I’m new here doesn’t mean I’m not more deserving than anyone else, that much is clear, and when I pin one of these fools for a three-count this week, it’ll be far more obvious.
Think of it this way. One of my opponents was the same man I dissected and pulled apart in a matter of, say, two minutes at the so-called conclusion of the iNew Year Main Event. For one, it’s an ironman match, and I wasn’t aware those could end due to interference, and second, whatever happened to growing some balls and fighting back? Samuel Silas is a walking joke. How he got to be the number one contender is far beyond me, because, simply put, he doesn’t even deserve a spot on the roster if that’s all the opposition he can muster when he’s in the presence of greatness incarnate. I can say without a doubt in my mind that when he steps into the ring against me, he is going to end up on his back faster than Tiger Woods’ mistresses.
Then, my other opponent is none other than the UWA World Champion, Manabu Funkysushi. Now, I’m not saying that he’s any better than Samuel Silas, that he would have retained that precious gold without my interference, or anything of the sort, but what I’m more than certain of is that he’s a lot wiser than Samuel Silas. He actually figured to get out of the way when I hit the ring. But of course, he can’t do that when he’s my opponent or my hand will be getting raised in victory and my name will be getting announced as his opponent for the next pay-per-view, as if that isn’t the inevitable truth as to the way things will happen, and when everything else collapses in on the World Champ, it’ll be my hand being raised in victory.
Now, there’s no doubt in my mind that Silas and Fruity-Smoothie will be hunting down something to say about me in rebuttal to my comments about them, but you know something? Their words mean absolutely nothing because they’re full of false claims that cannot be backed up by their incredibly lacking talent and when this match is over, all their confident claims about winning the match and becoming victor because of their historical success will be proven false. Let the past be past, boys, learn that the here and now is what’s significant, and the only thing even close in importance to it is the future, and without a doubt mine looks bright with Lindsey in my arms. So here it is, Manabu; open shot at me, Silas, come at me, bro’s. Say whatever you want to say about me, because in the end, you know the truth?”
The camera spins around to its original position behind Jake and Lindsey, showing the television again.
Jake Eaton: “I don’t give a fuck what you boys say. The only one that matters to me is Lindsey, and the only reality that exists, is that while you two boys fail, I’ll be... WINNING!”
Jake turns and kisses Lindsey, and the scene fades to black before things can heat up.