Post by Classy J on Jan 19, 2012 19:39:47 GMT -5
SCENE ONE:
It opens up with Mr. Callahan heading towards the Janitor's office carrying with him a grocery bag. Unlike most Janitors, Fredward Weary actually got his own office, he earned it by being the best Janitor a wrestling company could ask for, rarely did you ever find more than day old blood on the ground because this man cleaning ability was so God Tier that he could get away with murder, and probably already has.
Of course, that might not be entirely true....at least the part of how he got his own office, he really was a good janitor, but he honestly just found an empty room and made a plaque that said.
But he was also Classy's go to go for pretty much anything, such as the poison mist...which brings us to the now.
Classy knocked on the door and a few seconds later he got a grunt, specifically one that sounded like questioning.
"Hrn?"
"I'm back!"
"Hrm."
The next grunt was not a question, but apparently the go ahead to enter, because that's exactly what Classy did.
SCENE 2
Classy entered the janitor's office, only it wasn't so much an office as it was a workshop. There was all sorts of cleaning devices, some looking like they were meant for fetishes, not for cleaning, but who was he, and who are you, to question this man's cleaning methods, they worked after all.
Classy strolled over to Fredward who was set up near what could be called a kitchen, there were cooking supplies and he was currently working with a blender at the moment. The man would stop his work to glance over at the wrassler. When he spoke it sounded exactly what crazy old janitor's should sound like.
"Whudja gemme lad?"
Which is crazy old pirate speak for 'What'd you get me, lad?'
"Well first off, here."
Classy reached into his coat pocket, pulling out a small piece of paper and handing it to Fredward.
I got it, the secret recipe, all 11 herbs and spices...I'm not gonna go into the details because I think I might've done something trying to get that."
The janitor gave a happy old person laugh before storing it in his back pocket.
"Ehehehehe they wunno wut hit'em"
Classy looked a little irritated.
"So did that have anything to do with the mist or do you just wanna open a restaurant chain on the side?"
The janitor looked over at Classy and gave him a pat on the shoulder.
"Nah lad, thisa givit the extra kick ineeds!"
Of course that isn't to say he won't use the recipe to make some food if he's hungry...why not take advantage of it?
"Also I got the other stuff you asked for."
He'd set the shopping bag on the counter, Fredward would look inside and take out the contents, baking soda, food coloring, hot peppers. Some other weird foreign looking seasonings...of course the herbs and spices mentioned on the recipe. Fredward was pleased.
"So the poison mist is really just food coloring mixed with some other stuff? I thought it was made from some sort of japanese plants."
Fredward looked up at him.
"Well sommuhit is, I growem inna lil greenhouse o'er ther."
Fredward pointed to his little greenhouse where he was growing a bunch of plants, some not looking very legal, Classy stared over at it.
"But....wait...then why did I-"
"Y'said tha stuff wuz too strong, I'makinya a better'un"
"Oooooh"
"Isgonna take alil, go doan innerview'er summin. I'llave it dun 'fore yermatch."
"Great, thanks Fredward, I wouldn't be anywhere without you."
He'd head out of the man's office.
"Dunmentionitlad"
The janitor chuckled and began working on the mist.
SCENE 3:
Classy was walking the halls, probably going to get a soda or whatever when he was stopped by none other than Matthew Rogers.
"Mr. Callahan, last week you put Neptune in the hospital, an---"
J. moved the mic towards himself.
"Oh, Mr. Rogers, sure, I'll do an interview with you, thanks for asking. Oh? You're wondering if I did that on purpose. NO! I did not put Neptune in the hospital on purpose, putting someone in the hospital isn't professional! Do I feel bad that Neptune's out, of course I do, but I'm not going to dwell on it when I've got a match for a......CONTRACT in the BRIEFCASE match."
"Don't you mean a 'Money in the--"
"No, you know why? Because there's no money and the briefcase isn't a bank! As much as I'd LIKE for it to be a bunch of money going into my bank I don't think Andy's gonna give any of us a raise for winning that match. I'm broke, I don't need a title shot I need some dollery-doos! I just spent my last paycheck helping Fredward with something and I gotta eat!"
"Wow, hey, sorry man I didn't know.."
"S'okay man! Part of my paycheck also went to covering Neptune's hospitals bills, because I do feel bad for putting him out of action, and Neptune, I don't know if you're going to be watching this, but if I happen to win this match and if I happen to use this contract before you come back, since YOU didn't get your rematch for the title yet, after whatever jabroni who previously had the title gets his asskicked in a rematch, you're the next person in line, no questions asked."
He'd look at Roger and shove the mic back to him before walking off.
SCENE 4:
Classy returns to Fredward's office with some big league chew, it was all he could afford.
"Gladyerback lad, gettaloada this."
Classy would look at the results, which were off camera and would nod.
"Alright, great, get some ready for my match."
SCENE 5:
A few minutes later.....
Jake Ego was ready for an interview.
"Hello ladies, Jake Ego here and at this moment with me is...who're you again?"
Classy would glare at Jake from underneath his shades.
"It must be hard remembering everyone you haven't slept with."
He'd try to take the mic from Jake, of course Jake wouldn't let him, so Classy slapped him in the adam's apple, Jake, in a coughing fit, let go of the mic.
"Thank you, you're a gentleman and a scholar. I'm lying by the way."
He'd turn the the camera.
"Ladies and gentleman, ignore what the program says because Ryan can't afford a lawsuit, tonight 4 wrestlers, one of which is yours truly, will be competing in a CONTRACT in the BRIEFCASE ladder match! Now for those of you who don't own a TV and aren't familiar with sports entertainmenting, allow me to explain. There's a briefcase on a rope, which is a good sign because object attached to elevated object is a sure fire formula for 5 star matches!"
He'd give a really uninspired thumbs up before turning into into an uninspired thumbs down and continuing.
"Inside the briefcase is a contract for a title match, now I don't know the details because right now the titles aren't important, I know I know the titles are ALWAYS important but we can put on good matches without the titles I assure you wrestling fan forums. But whoever gets that has the briefcase and is on the ground first wins the title match, and they get to carry a briefcase around until they decide to use that title match, which can be done at ANY TIME...lot's of people use it right after the champs gotten the shit kicked out of him."
He'd begin to pace back and forth with Jake on the ground coughing and grumbling.
"I didn't hit you that hard. Now I've got my work cut out for me, I've been in a ladder match before, hell, it was against FEAR and some other scrub. And FEAR happens to be in this match, but he's old news, I know what I'm up against with him, and sure he may have gotten past his losing streak but unfortunately for him he doesn't lose by getting pinned or tapping out in this match.
But FEAR probably isn't worried about me so much as he is Jasper. Now I know Jasper looks scary and all, all clowns do. But I've heard he's a pretty nice guy, real easy to talk to, just as long as you aren't in the ring with him. It might be a little unsettling that he wears the clown paint ALL THE TIME but some people are eccentric like that, maybe he thinks he's ugly. I don't judge. Now Fear and Jasper are apparently childhood friends, and that may seem unsurprising to most of you but you don't ever really see two crazy people being childhood friends do you? But being crazy isn't the only thing they have in common. For instance, both of them seem to like wearing facepaint and both of them seem to like dead actors, particularly actors that died before their greatest movie was released. And it just so happens that they both just wanna be Real Estate Steve, unfortunately he takes his make-up off sometimes, they don't. And I'm pretty sure that he's a better wrestler than them, because I don't think either of them could get sent through a table and stand up immediately afterwards....I can do that by the way, but only if it's on fire."
Pause for a moment to see if anyone got the joke and then he continued.
"But to both Jasper and Fear's credit I don't think either one is as gullible as Real Estate Steve. By the way, he does sell Real Estate. Google it if you don't believe me.
By this point Jake Ego stood up, rubbing his throat and grumbling. Classy would look over at him.
"Oh, hey, sorry about that, you want your mic back?"
Jake would hold out his hand for the mic, but Classy would just bop him on the head with it, Jake would fall down slunched against the wall and Classy would go back to burying/rambling.
"Which brings me to Joel Hall. I never wrestled the guy, I was supposed to but we both had prior engagements, I'm sure it's gonna be real awkward since we don't really have a reason to hate each other......so I'll give him one right now!
Joel have you even won a match yet? You know maybe if you weren't drunk all the time you might have some more luck. But aside from that you made up a excuses. My favorite one being 'if it were a hardcore match I'd have won' Well Joel, what's the excuse gonna be this time. You hate ladders? You have Arachnophobia? The briefcase glare was in your eyes? I also heard you whining about people not knowing how to kick someone's ass properly. You're the only person I know who's bitched about how you got your ass kicked. Well Joel, I'll tell you what, since I'm such a classy guy, why don't you tell me how you want me to kick the shit out of you, I can't make any guarantees but I'll try my best to give you a satisfactory ass-kicking, alright? But not in this match, because I won't win if I try to satisfy you ass-kicking needs. But don't you worry, I got something else in mind...."
Jake slowly got to his feet again, Classy had been holding a bottle of water but hadn't really drank any of it until now, then he turned around and WATER MIST! NO! NOT THE WATER MIST! Jake would be sprayed directly in the eyes and would squirm on the ground like he was having a seizure. Classy would look back at the camera.
"....."
"Ahh geez MY EYES IT BURNS!"
Then he'd seem to snap out of promo mode and turn to Jake.
"It's fucking water, stop being such a whimpy interviewer!"
But then he turned back to the camera.
"And the best part is water is EVERYWHERE!"
He'd hold up the water bottle for emphasis.
And then the Camera would pan down to Jake he began to rub the water all over his chest.
"Why do you even work here!?"
Off Camera Classy shouted at him and threw the mic at his stomach, he'd sit up and begin coughing again when it hit him.
END SCENE!
It opens up with Mr. Callahan heading towards the Janitor's office carrying with him a grocery bag. Unlike most Janitors, Fredward Weary actually got his own office, he earned it by being the best Janitor a wrestling company could ask for, rarely did you ever find more than day old blood on the ground because this man cleaning ability was so God Tier that he could get away with murder, and probably already has.
Of course, that might not be entirely true....at least the part of how he got his own office, he really was a good janitor, but he honestly just found an empty room and made a plaque that said.
Mr. F. Weary
Vice President: Talent Relations
Janitorial Manager
Vice President: Talent Relations
Janitorial Manager
But he was also Classy's go to go for pretty much anything, such as the poison mist...which brings us to the now.
Classy knocked on the door and a few seconds later he got a grunt, specifically one that sounded like questioning.
"Hrn?"
"I'm back!"
"Hrm."
The next grunt was not a question, but apparently the go ahead to enter, because that's exactly what Classy did.
SCENE 2
Classy entered the janitor's office, only it wasn't so much an office as it was a workshop. There was all sorts of cleaning devices, some looking like they were meant for fetishes, not for cleaning, but who was he, and who are you, to question this man's cleaning methods, they worked after all.
Classy strolled over to Fredward who was set up near what could be called a kitchen, there were cooking supplies and he was currently working with a blender at the moment. The man would stop his work to glance over at the wrassler. When he spoke it sounded exactly what crazy old janitor's should sound like.
"Whudja gemme lad?"
Which is crazy old pirate speak for 'What'd you get me, lad?'
"Well first off, here."
Classy reached into his coat pocket, pulling out a small piece of paper and handing it to Fredward.
I got it, the secret recipe, all 11 herbs and spices...I'm not gonna go into the details because I think I might've done something trying to get that."
The janitor gave a happy old person laugh before storing it in his back pocket.
"Ehehehehe they wunno wut hit'em"
Classy looked a little irritated.
"So did that have anything to do with the mist or do you just wanna open a restaurant chain on the side?"
The janitor looked over at Classy and gave him a pat on the shoulder.
"Nah lad, thisa givit the extra kick ineeds!"
Of course that isn't to say he won't use the recipe to make some food if he's hungry...why not take advantage of it?
"Also I got the other stuff you asked for."
He'd set the shopping bag on the counter, Fredward would look inside and take out the contents, baking soda, food coloring, hot peppers. Some other weird foreign looking seasonings...of course the herbs and spices mentioned on the recipe. Fredward was pleased.
"So the poison mist is really just food coloring mixed with some other stuff? I thought it was made from some sort of japanese plants."
Fredward looked up at him.
"Well sommuhit is, I growem inna lil greenhouse o'er ther."
Fredward pointed to his little greenhouse where he was growing a bunch of plants, some not looking very legal, Classy stared over at it.
"But....wait...then why did I-"
"Y'said tha stuff wuz too strong, I'makinya a better'un"
"Oooooh"
"Isgonna take alil, go doan innerview'er summin. I'llave it dun 'fore yermatch."
"Great, thanks Fredward, I wouldn't be anywhere without you."
He'd head out of the man's office.
"Dunmentionitlad"
The janitor chuckled and began working on the mist.
SCENE 3:
Classy was walking the halls, probably going to get a soda or whatever when he was stopped by none other than Matthew Rogers.
"Mr. Callahan, last week you put Neptune in the hospital, an---"
J. moved the mic towards himself.
"Oh, Mr. Rogers, sure, I'll do an interview with you, thanks for asking. Oh? You're wondering if I did that on purpose. NO! I did not put Neptune in the hospital on purpose, putting someone in the hospital isn't professional! Do I feel bad that Neptune's out, of course I do, but I'm not going to dwell on it when I've got a match for a......CONTRACT in the BRIEFCASE match."
"Don't you mean a 'Money in the--"
"No, you know why? Because there's no money and the briefcase isn't a bank! As much as I'd LIKE for it to be a bunch of money going into my bank I don't think Andy's gonna give any of us a raise for winning that match. I'm broke, I don't need a title shot I need some dollery-doos! I just spent my last paycheck helping Fredward with something and I gotta eat!"
"Wow, hey, sorry man I didn't know.."
"S'okay man! Part of my paycheck also went to covering Neptune's hospitals bills, because I do feel bad for putting him out of action, and Neptune, I don't know if you're going to be watching this, but if I happen to win this match and if I happen to use this contract before you come back, since YOU didn't get your rematch for the title yet, after whatever jabroni who previously had the title gets his asskicked in a rematch, you're the next person in line, no questions asked."
He'd look at Roger and shove the mic back to him before walking off.
SCENE 4:
Classy returns to Fredward's office with some big league chew, it was all he could afford.
"Gladyerback lad, gettaloada this."
Classy would look at the results, which were off camera and would nod.
"Alright, great, get some ready for my match."
SCENE 5:
A few minutes later.....
Jake Ego was ready for an interview.
"Hello ladies, Jake Ego here and at this moment with me is...who're you again?"
Classy would glare at Jake from underneath his shades.
"It must be hard remembering everyone you haven't slept with."
He'd try to take the mic from Jake, of course Jake wouldn't let him, so Classy slapped him in the adam's apple, Jake, in a coughing fit, let go of the mic.
"Thank you, you're a gentleman and a scholar. I'm lying by the way."
He'd turn the the camera.
"Ladies and gentleman, ignore what the program says because Ryan can't afford a lawsuit, tonight 4 wrestlers, one of which is yours truly, will be competing in a CONTRACT in the BRIEFCASE ladder match! Now for those of you who don't own a TV and aren't familiar with sports entertainmenting, allow me to explain. There's a briefcase on a rope, which is a good sign because object attached to elevated object is a sure fire formula for 5 star matches!"
He'd give a really uninspired thumbs up before turning into into an uninspired thumbs down and continuing.
"Inside the briefcase is a contract for a title match, now I don't know the details because right now the titles aren't important, I know I know the titles are ALWAYS important but we can put on good matches without the titles I assure you wrestling fan forums. But whoever gets that has the briefcase and is on the ground first wins the title match, and they get to carry a briefcase around until they decide to use that title match, which can be done at ANY TIME...lot's of people use it right after the champs gotten the shit kicked out of him."
He'd begin to pace back and forth with Jake on the ground coughing and grumbling.
"I didn't hit you that hard. Now I've got my work cut out for me, I've been in a ladder match before, hell, it was against FEAR and some other scrub. And FEAR happens to be in this match, but he's old news, I know what I'm up against with him, and sure he may have gotten past his losing streak but unfortunately for him he doesn't lose by getting pinned or tapping out in this match.
But FEAR probably isn't worried about me so much as he is Jasper. Now I know Jasper looks scary and all, all clowns do. But I've heard he's a pretty nice guy, real easy to talk to, just as long as you aren't in the ring with him. It might be a little unsettling that he wears the clown paint ALL THE TIME but some people are eccentric like that, maybe he thinks he's ugly. I don't judge. Now Fear and Jasper are apparently childhood friends, and that may seem unsurprising to most of you but you don't ever really see two crazy people being childhood friends do you? But being crazy isn't the only thing they have in common. For instance, both of them seem to like wearing facepaint and both of them seem to like dead actors, particularly actors that died before their greatest movie was released. And it just so happens that they both just wanna be Real Estate Steve, unfortunately he takes his make-up off sometimes, they don't. And I'm pretty sure that he's a better wrestler than them, because I don't think either of them could get sent through a table and stand up immediately afterwards....I can do that by the way, but only if it's on fire."
Pause for a moment to see if anyone got the joke and then he continued.
"But to both Jasper and Fear's credit I don't think either one is as gullible as Real Estate Steve. By the way, he does sell Real Estate. Google it if you don't believe me.
By this point Jake Ego stood up, rubbing his throat and grumbling. Classy would look over at him.
"Oh, hey, sorry about that, you want your mic back?"
Jake would hold out his hand for the mic, but Classy would just bop him on the head with it, Jake would fall down slunched against the wall and Classy would go back to burying/rambling.
"Which brings me to Joel Hall. I never wrestled the guy, I was supposed to but we both had prior engagements, I'm sure it's gonna be real awkward since we don't really have a reason to hate each other......so I'll give him one right now!
Joel have you even won a match yet? You know maybe if you weren't drunk all the time you might have some more luck. But aside from that you made up a excuses. My favorite one being 'if it were a hardcore match I'd have won' Well Joel, what's the excuse gonna be this time. You hate ladders? You have Arachnophobia? The briefcase glare was in your eyes? I also heard you whining about people not knowing how to kick someone's ass properly. You're the only person I know who's bitched about how you got your ass kicked. Well Joel, I'll tell you what, since I'm such a classy guy, why don't you tell me how you want me to kick the shit out of you, I can't make any guarantees but I'll try my best to give you a satisfactory ass-kicking, alright? But not in this match, because I won't win if I try to satisfy you ass-kicking needs. But don't you worry, I got something else in mind...."
Jake slowly got to his feet again, Classy had been holding a bottle of water but hadn't really drank any of it until now, then he turned around and WATER MIST! NO! NOT THE WATER MIST! Jake would be sprayed directly in the eyes and would squirm on the ground like he was having a seizure. Classy would look back at the camera.
"....."
"Ahh geez MY EYES IT BURNS!"
Then he'd seem to snap out of promo mode and turn to Jake.
"It's fucking water, stop being such a whimpy interviewer!"
But then he turned back to the camera.
"And the best part is water is EVERYWHERE!"
He'd hold up the water bottle for emphasis.
And then the Camera would pan down to Jake he began to rub the water all over his chest.
"Why do you even work here!?"
Off Camera Classy shouted at him and threw the mic at his stomach, he'd sit up and begin coughing again when it hit him.
END SCENE!
